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“ I found myself lying there, my face still wet from the tears I shed, I am feeling speechless after experiencing the most difficult and liberating transformation of my life. I would never be the same again.
It is May 2016. After traveling the world for the past 7 years experiencing countless cultures, communities, and transformational training - I find myself in the middle of the most profound Tantra training I have ever done.
Although it doesn’t feel like a training. 16 pair of eyes are looking at me. I am almost naked. It feels like my world is breaking apart. I feel how my body is shaking. The thing I feared the most in this training is about to happen. I tried to hide it the best that I could. My biggest body insecurity that I carried around since my teenage period since I started to interact sexually.
Everything inside of me is screaming to be out of this situation.
Justine, my teacher is sitting in front of me. She spoke to what I had been trying to hide and asked me if I wanted to move through this fear. Everything inside of me is screaming to be out of this situation. For years I have been hiding my yoni, because of a skin discoloration I have called vitiligo. Out of shame, I wouldn’t shower with my hockey team.. or after gym in high school. I would make love in the dark & under the blankets or make a big disclaimer before my Yoni would be revealed. I was afraid to be judged. I was afraid people would think that my condition was contagious. And Most of all, I was afraid to be rejected, especially by a man, who would think my yoni is ugly, because it doesn’t look the same as the ones in the magazines.
And here I am, almost naked, and I know, the only way to go through this is to face it, to go full in, which means all the clothes out. The hall is full of white bright light. I am shaking even more. My heart is beating so much I feel it can explode. The anxiety is rising from my toes to my head and back to my toes again. I am making a move to take it off, I hesitate, I can’t… I feel too much shame.
I can feel even more tears swelling up
Justine looks me in the eyes, places her hand softly on my leg, I am here to love you, I hear her say. I am here to love the beauty of your Yoni. Hearing these words, I can feel even more tears swelling up, and the worst thing is, I do not believe it is true. My negative self-image is too strong to believe that anyone could think that my the discoloration of my skin is beautiful.
Finally, thanks to Justine's support, I watch myself taking off my underwear, and I lie down, with my legs wide open. Justine comes to sit in between them, she looks at me, looks at my yoni for a while, and then invites all the other 15 people to also come and look, one by one.
I feel scared, I just want to run out of this hall and hide
I feel so ashamed, so embarrassed, I feel scared, I just want to run out of this hall and hide. But that’s what I have been doing for the last 15 years, so I decided perhaps it’s time to pluck up my courage and stay.
After the first handful of people go by until I feel something starts to shift inside of me. I realize that all these people, are looking at my yoni in a way nobody ever did before. In a way, I never did to myself. They are looking at my yoni in a state of full transfiguration, of worship, of honoring my yoni like it is the portal to the universe. And it is. How could it be anything less than that?
How could I continue on the path of tantra, a path that embraces everything, where I aspire to live in a state of wonderment, and appreciation, if I couldn’t do that with myself to start with?
Despite all the work I had already done on the tantric path, despite all the yoga, meditation, and teachings of the Heart, this blockage was still influencing my relationship with sexuality and myself in more ways than I thought of.
How could I really connect with the sacredness of sex, if I couldn’t see my own yoni as a sacred portal? How could sex be a spiritual practice if I was still denying the way God created and designed my most sacred part? How could I go to deep, profound states of ecstasy, if in my mind I was still worrying about how I looked? I saw how much I was influenced by society' conditioning and limiting beliefs. How it was blocking me from going deep.
Naked, raw and vulnerable.
Naked, raw and vulnerable. Transfigured by 16 amazing souls. These people gave me permission to transfigure myself. I look back at Justine, how could I have done this without her? I feel the biggest shift ever, just happened. And from that moment everything in relationship to my sexuality changed. Everything on the spiritual path became more harmonious and integrated. , It opened the door to ecstatic experiences I never imagined possible. I found freedom through loving, which set the foundation for me to go deeper in my Self, beyond my personal self.
It has been an incredible journey. I left to travel the world. To discover new countries, cultures, rituals, and places. And I did, but most of all, I discovered the mystical teachings of tantra that point me to the most mysterious, the most sacred, the most unknown world, the world inside my Heart.
And I have dedicated my life, to explore and share that world, the best that I can.